If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize