i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
