I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Barsexuality is the new black.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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