I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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