Swine flu. Run for my life!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
