Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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