So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
