Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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