she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
