Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
