and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Randomize
