Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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