i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
