I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
where are you?
Hypothermia
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
