Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
