Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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