I wish i was in the wii world.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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