It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
