Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize