i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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