i think my tv is drunk
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
