On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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