I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
