i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
