I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
