Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
