Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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