my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
