My Higher Power is John Stamos
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's just so happy...and so naked.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
