you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
