I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You are the jesus of drinking
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
