Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
