He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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