The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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