I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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