Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
