Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize