Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
