Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
