Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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