Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
