god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
