According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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