If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i believe in u and ur pee
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
