All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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