Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
