I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
