I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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