I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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