my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
