His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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