At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
