so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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