Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
