I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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