Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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